Week four! This time it’s a writing challenge, and you’re only the ghostwriter: the real authors are the things lying around your home. As always, the full explanation of the weekly challenge is in One Hour, Once a Week. Take the prompt below, make it your own and give it a go. If you like, link your version back to this post, use the #weeklychallenge tag or drop a comment. I’ll definitely have a look.

Cheers – Hanni

---

✦ The brief

The objects in your home have finally been given access to a review platform. They have opinions. About the place, about each other and, mostly, about you.

Your job: be their ghostwriter. Collect five customer reviews written by five household objects, each rating their life in your home from ★ to ★★★★★. A doormat with a grudge. A teapot who feels deeply under-appreciated. A sock that has seen things in the washing machine and wants to talk about it.

Think Tripadvisor, but the hotel is your home and the guests can’t leave.

✦ The restrictions

• Five objects, five different rooms (or spots). Balcony, garden, car, hallway cupboard and the pet’s corner all count as rooms.
• The star rating is not yours to choose. Before writing each review, glance at your phone clock: the last digit of the minute decides it. 0–1 = ★, 2–3 = ★★, 4–5 = ★★★, 6–7 = ★★★★, 8–9 = ★★★★★. The object must justify whatever it got.
• Each review is exactly three sentences. Long sentences are allowed, and encouraged if the object is a rambler.
• At least one review must complain about (or rave about) another object on your list. Grudges between the kettle and the fridge are welcome.

✦ The hour

• 0–10 min — The casting walk. Wander around your home with a notebook or your phone. Pick five objects from five places. Bonus points for the slightly pathetic ones (the lone fridge magnet, the broken umbrella).
• 10–15 min — Interview prep. For each object, jot down two words: its personality and its biggest gripe. That’s all.
• 15–45 min — Write the reviews. About 6 minutes each. Check the clock before each one for the star rating. Give each reviewer a username (“Doormat_ExhaustedSince2019”).
• 45–55 min — The house replies. Pick the harshest review and write a short, slightly defensive “Response from the Owner” (two or three sentences).
• 55–60 min — Read them aloud. Ideally to a pet, a houseplant or anyone else who can stay neutral.

✦ Optional bonus

Add a sixth review from something that technically doesn’t exist: the thing under the bed, the draught in the attic, the noise the radiator makes at 3 a.m. Any rating, no clock needed.

✦ Done when

You have five three-sentence reviews with their star ratings (wonky, half-finished or ridiculous all count), and at least one object has said something mildly rude about another. That’s it.